If I had a penny for each time that I heard that sentence from my single clients! “The date was nice but… there was just no spark.”
When looking for love, we want to be swept off our feet. We want to tell our future grandchildren the story of “love at first sight.” Just like it happens in movies we want romance and passion.
It’s all beautiful and can happen but … be careful and keep things real. If you are too focused on finding that spark immediately, you may lose a chance for an amazing relationship.
The Trap of Spark Chasing
One of my dating coaching clients, let’s call her Astrid, kept on repeating the “no spark” mantra after every first date she went on. She was meeting interesting men in her age group (she was in her late 30s back then). And her goal was finding the right man to start a family with.
At the same time, whenever a man seemed “too nice,” she backed out. It was as if she was contradicting herself. She wanted to settle down with a person who would, be stable, reliable, respect her, and be an equal partner. And the only men she found attractive were the “bad boys” who had no interest in marriage and kids.
Very often the “no spark” attitude hides some deep, unhealthy relationship patterns or fears we hold on to. For example, we may think that stability and reliability are boring. And sometimes it’s our anxiety speaking.
It’s easy to avoid having to be vulnerable, open up, and start a serious relationship (and risking potential heartbreak) by dismissing your potential dates as you “just did not feel the spark”.
Tips to Create a Spark
Waiting for the spark to magically happen on a first date is a passive approach. This is what we learn in fairytales and romantic comedies, especially as women. We should wait for that perfect guy to show up and give us the happily ever after on a silver platter.
I see this approach in so many of my highly successful, professional females who come to me for help with their partner search. At work, they support gender equality and act with confidence. In dating, however, they want to turn into Cinderella.
How about claiming responsibility for how your dates go? How about asking yourself “What can I do to create the spark that I want?” Here are some tips to get you started:
Opt For an Evening Date
A quick coffee date or lunch in between business meetings is just that – a hurried get together with a business vibe. To create a deeper connection between two people, having a romantic atmosphere and more time are more conducive to a potential spark.
Suggest an evening drink or dinner at a cozy restaurant with nice, soft lighting. There’s a reason couples love candlelight dinners! In the dim light, we look and feel more sensual.
When we are attracted to someone, our pupils dilate, making us more attractive to our partner and dimly lit places have the same effect. We speak in soft voices and ask deeper questions about feelings and the meaning of life. All this creates a bonding experience.
Let Your Body Speak
Think of what it means for you to feel the spark. Which people give you an instant boost of well-being and joy? Observe their behaviors and body language and imitate them.
The basic ways to appear open for connection are:
- Maintaining eye contact
- Smiling
- Open body language, such as turning towards the other person and leaning in
Say Nice Things
If your first date steers in the direction of work topics or if you engage in a heated debate about U.S. foreign policy, chances are high you will leave satisfied…but only intellectually. And what you’re looking for is that emotional bond, that curiosity about who the person next to you really is, deep down.
Next time when you notice yourself starting very serious conversations, try to change course and talk about more personal things and passions.
And make compliments! Even if you’re a woman, don’t wait for the man to tell you how great you look. Appreciate his efforts (like a nice color of his shirt) and find at least three things you enjoy about your date. You’ll be surprised to see how his face lights up when he hears those nice things from you.
Break The Touch Barrier
When my client Astrid finally met a guyshe considered interesting enough to have more than one date with, I was happy for her. After about four dates I started getting worried again. She was losing her initial enthusiasm and falling into her old complaint mode of “I don’t think we are right for each other; I just don’t feel that spark.”
Then I had an impulse to ask, “Have you kissed already?”. She said no, they didn’t even hold hands. Physical touch is a big part of creating a human connection, so I encouraged Astrid to break the invisible touch barrier. She and her date went out dancing and that changed everything.
“The evening went great,” she shared with me during our follow-up session. “I’m starting to really like this guy; and after dancing all night, we gave each other a wonderful goodnight kiss!”
And that was the true start of their spark. It took five dates to make it happen, but the patience and effort paid off and they went on to become a couple.
Give the Spark A Chance
Astrid’s story shows that the spark doesn’t always happen on a first date. That’s why it’s important to take a pragmatic approach and give your matches a fair chance.
If everything else about the meeting was OK but you didn’t feel butterflies in your stomach, go on that second date and let it grow on you. And remember that it’s also your responsibility to shape how your dates are going and how open you are to the connection you’re looking for.
Get Out of Your Way to Happiness
If you find yourself always complaining about first dates being uninteresting or even boring, time to take a good, long look at your dating mindset and strategies. Success in dating starts with you and understanding what you can do differently and better will help you tweak your approach and find that special person.
Start by watching my popular, free masterclass “Why Are You Still Single?” It will explain three reasons why singles feel stuck and can’t find the right match.