From "Deal Breaker" First Date To Married with Kids - The Secret Behind These Successful Relationships
Often I have clients who are truly committed to finding love, but they get in their own way when it comes to the process. One of the most common mistakes I see is filtering people out prematurely. Writing someone off, before giving them a fair chance. Whether you have ‘deal breakers’ or you’ve even been on a date and liked everything about the other person, but just didn’t feel that ‘spark’ -- keep reading to see why you may need a new perspective.
In December I received a Christmas card from my client Stephan and couldn’t help but think back to when he first came to me looking for help to find his life partner and joined my elite matchmaking service. It’s impossible to tell from the Christmas card since he is beaming into the camera, his wife at his side with his arm around her shoulder, their three beautiful children laughing uncontrollably.
It’s hard to imagine now that 11 years ago he told me that a relationship with his current wife would be simply, ‘impossible’.
He was living in Geneva and was very clear that he only was interested in starting a relationship with someone else that lived in Geneva.
Then I met Mathilde. Mathilde lived in Zurich and was certain that she only wanted to date gentlemen who lived locally as well.
They both had busy professional lives and fantastic jobs and neither of them was willing to move. They both were sure that it would be so much more convenient to date someone that lived close by.
Knowing both of them, I thought they were very compatible and would really like each other and even though both had said someone not in the same city would be a dealbreaker I knew they had to meet.
I called both Stephan and Mathilde and said, “Look, I know you said you're only open to meeting someone local, but this person has everything you want and you have so much in common already -- why not give it a try?”
They both agreed that for the right person they were willing to go the extra mile. I organized their first date in Bern, between Geneva and Zurich. The date was at Kornhauskeller, an amazing and very romantic restaurant. When she showed up at the agreed time she looked around because searching for the face from the photos that I had shared, but she didn't see him. He recognized her and waved her over. In the photo he had a full beard but he had shaved it all off for the date so she didn't recognize him right away. They had a good laugh about how he looked so different, which started off the date well and they got on well throughout the night.
It’s an interesting thing to see when people are motivated, all of a sudden distance is not as much of an issue.
They found ways to continue dating and their relationship progressed well. Sooner than originally planned Mathilde found a new interesting job in Geneva and they moved in together and were married a year later. When you make finding love your priority and you meet the right person, everything else somehow works itself out. What you previously deemed a ‘deal breaker’ quickly becomes a minor stepping stone toward the life you’ve always wanted.
Another client who nearly let a supposed “deal breaker” ruin her chances of finding love was my client, Luisa. She had already worked with two other dating agencies, but was very disappointed with the lack of results.
She wanted a family of her own and was starting to really feel the pressure of time working against her.
She knew that she had to start to take dating seriously if she wanted to settle down. She had always been very close with her family, but as the years went by she started to worry that her parents would never meet her future partner let alone be able to go to her wedding.
She was about to turn 40, and a colleague told her to talk to me. When she did, she came in planning to just have a consultation. She later shared with me she wasn’t really planning on moving forward but at the end of our consultation she shared, “You came recommended to me and after the 50 minute consultation with you, I really like you and trust you so I just want to try one last time to have the life and family I’ve always wanted.’”
She became a client of mine and soon after I introduced her to a man who I thought she would be a perfect match for, Thomas. So I encouraged her to go on a date in person. They were very compatible and got on quite well. They had similar values and personalities and many common interests.
After their date I contacted him for feedback and he let me know that he had a wonderful time,he described it as the perfect first date and he couldn’t wait to see her again.
Excited by the news, I reached out to my client and she noted that whilst Thomas was a gentleman and incredibly smart, interesting and kind, she realized that he was not her type, “There just wasn’t any spark,” she told me.
We reviewed the qualities that we had gathered of what she was looking for in a partner and he matched all of them. I encouraged her to see him again and give it another chance. Since they had a nice time she agreed to see him again. They went on another date and then another.
Two months later I checked in with her and asked her how things were going. She answered, “So amazing! It was love at first sight with Thomas! I finally have found my life partner!”
My mouth dropped -- what she had seen as someone that wasn’t her type after the first date she now deemed ‘love at first sight’.
It often happens that when we first meet the right partner, there is NOT an immediate spark. Often people grow on us. A man who initially seems to be just OK, can, when you get to know him better, easily become more attractive.
This can sometimes be attributed to what we call the “Mere Exposure Effect” in psychology.This is a phenomenon where people feel a preference for people or things simply because they are familiar, while something new may initially cause a fear or avoidance response. Each time we are exposed to this ‘new’ person or thing it causes our fear to decrease and interest to increase. After repeated exposure, we begin to react fondly to it.
The couple went on to get married, both of Louisa’s parents were able to see her walk down the aisle and last year they welcomed their second little girl.
They both finally got to start the family that they always wanted.
Because these singles were willing to give love another chance, they were able to start the lives they always dreamed of having.