My client Jenny came to me for support because according to her; she always “fell for the wrong guys”. She told me that “in the beginning everything seems perfect but soon after I feel as if I am on a roller coaster, and I get anxious. Some men start playing hard to get and are wishy washy. The last man I dated took three days to answer my text. When I got sick, he didn’t offer any help. I kept trying to make things work but, in the end, he took off.”
Anxious Attachment Style in Dating
After a few weeks of intensive dating coaching, I asked Jenny to take an attachment styles questionnaire. I told her it would help her understand how she functions in relationships, why she keeps on repeating the same mistakes and can’t find the right man to settle down with.
It will also help her understand what she needs from a partner to feel happy and secure in the dating process and future relationship.
I wasn’t surprised learn that she had an anxious attachment style. People with an anxious attachment style have a strong desire for intimacy combined with doubts and abandonment anxiety.
Here are some of the characteristics people who have anxious style may show:
- They have a frequent need for validation.
- They have difficulty trusting others.
- They fear abandonment.
- They feel an intense desire for intimacy or closeness.
- They tend to tolerate unhealthy behaviours in relationships.
- They tend to feel or act jealous.
In the beginning when Jenny was presenting her problems in finding the right man, she focused on how her ex-partners had been unavailable or toxic. When I got to know her better, it became evident that she was also sabotaging her relationships.
Meeting A Nice Man She Thought Was Boring
After about two months of dating coaching and a complete makeover of her dating app profile, Jenny started dating a perfectly nice gentleman. I could immediately tell that Conrad had a secure attachment style. He was available, open, straightforward, and ready to talk things through if there was a disagreement.
Date after date, Jenny mentioned her new date’s positive qualities as a prospective life partner:
- He offered to bring her groceries when she got sick.
- He brought her flowers.
- He talked about his feelings and said that he felt a connection between them.
- He didn’t push to be intimate too soon and was respectful of Jenny’s boundaries.
- He was available and used clear communication.
Despite all those dating green flags, date after date I heard the same mantra from Jenny:
“He’s great but I’m not feeling it.”
I explained to my client that this looked like self-sabotaging behavior. As a person with an anxious attachment style who had only been in relationships with avoidant men, she was used to intense, rollercoaster like feelings. She connected these intense feelings associated with the drama with real love.
And Conrad was anything but a drama guy.
He was caring and reliable. That and the fact that he was consistent, didn’t play games and was always available for her, made Jenny not feel any drama and rollercoaster of emotions and thus she believed that Conrad was perhaps too boring and she “wasn’t feeling it”.
If you’re so used to your dates and partners playing constant games with you, it’s not surprising that when you meet someone who makes themselves available, you feel confused.
The Kiss That Changed Everything
Weeks went by and I encouraged Jenny to continue seeing Conrad. My intuition, informed by years of experience as a dating coach, told me there was a lot of potential there. Jenny resisted quite a bit but continued the dating process. With one exception…
She was reluctant to try that first kiss. During one session I casually asked Jenny about intimacy. The dating has been going on for a while now and I half-expected things got a bit more personal between the two. As it turned out, Jenny was very anxious about physical contact and was doing everything she could to avoid the first kiss.
That too felt like sabotage. While I never encourage my clients to become physical too soon, signs of affection, tenderness and erotic interest are important as they build a stronger bond between partners. If a couple doesn’t cross that physical barrier at some point, they risk ending up in a “friend zone.”
One Friday we discussed Jenny’s weekend plans, and she told me she and Conrad were planning to go to a salsa club. She loved to dance, and it sounded like a perfect opportunity to increase physical closeness. “It sounds like a perfect scene for that first kiss,” I teased her a little.
The week after Jenny confided in me that they indeed kissed as they took a leisurely walk after an evening of dancing. “It felt good,” she told me, sounding as if she couldn’t believe her own words. “I’m asking myself why I’ve been so reluctant to kiss him in the first place.”
Jenny Finally Opened Up to Love
Things started falling into place after that first kiss. Not long after Jenny and Conrad officially started a committed, exclusive relationship. She told me that for the first time she had a stable partner – someone she could count on. Finally, there was no drama and it felt OK.
“I feel I can open up to him and he won’t use that against me,” she said.
The couple met Jenny’s family for Christmas that year. Soon after they went to the Dominican Republic for a winter holiday.
Of course, Jenny’s anxious thinking and behavior didn’t go away overnight, and we discussed her difficulties during sessions. She also found a therapist to go deeper and better understand the roots of her attachment challenges. She knew that to build lasting happiness, she had to stop getting in her own way.
Give Yourself a Chance For Love
Jenny’s story clearly illustrates how one’s attachment style can become a hurdle in the search for a life partner. Many single women and men I meet repeat their own patterns over and over again. Some say that there’s no spark. Others are so focused on finding someone with blonde hair or specific height, that they forget to look at other, more important qualities.
Whatever is getting in your way, it’s key to understand yourself better and give your date a fair chance.
I know that it’s easier said than done. Jenny too was moving around in circles until she found me and received professional help from a dating coach. I have almost two decades of experience, helping singles in Switzerland and beyond find their success matches.
Book a free clarity call today and find out how working with me can help you break the negative patterns and open yourself to new romantic opportunities.