Highlights:
- Charlotte’s husband left her for a younger woman and that crashed her confidence.
- She wanted to start dating again but thought men would not be interested because of her age.
- You can easily identify your limiting beliefs about men and dating.
- My four-step method will help you get over those negative thoughts and open up to love.
When I met Charlotte, her self-esteem and confidence were in shambles.But just a few years prior, she had loved being in a relationship and everything that came along with it. She felt like her life was wonderful and she’d never had to deal with looking for a partner again. Until the rug was pulled out from underneath her when…
Her husband left after cheating on her with a younger woman.
After that, she began to question if any part of her relationship with her husband had been real at all.
“What could I have done differently to keep my husband from cheating?” she thought and,
“What was I unable to provide for him that this younger woman could?”
These thoughts plagued her mind. She obsessed over text messages, emails, and photos of when they were together, trying to make sense of it all.
She knew she had to accept their relationship was over. Three years after the divorce she decided that she should start looking for love again. But she couldn’t keep herself from thinking about how things had ended the last time. The story of her ex leaving her wasn’t something of the past but rather, it enveloped her and had become a part of who she was.
She was consumed by fears of not being young or pretty enough to start or maintain a successful relationship. This version of her story was of course not conducive to helping her succeed in finding a new life partner.
‘How can I find someone who will love me when my own husband couldn’t?’
Little did she know this story she had written herself was exactly what was holding her back from moving on and finding a new partner…
There are limiting beliefs you hold around love and relationships that you might not even realize you have.
Your limiting beliefs are holding you back in dating
But first, Charlotte’s problem is incredibly common. Her entire love story was premised upon her husband leaving her. Charlotte, like so many other women, let herself be defined by limiting beliefs. Maybe your ex didn’t leave you for a younger woman, but have you ever had any of the following thoughts when searching for a partner:
- “I’m too independent/demanding/driven/successful/old/fat.”
- “I’m not young/attractive/interesting/thin enough.”
- “I can’t get over my ex/find a partner/have a spark on a first date/meet available men/meet men who are looking for serious relationships.”
- “I am never attracted to the right men/approached by men/going to find someone/able to enjoy myself on dates.”
Maybe one or two rings a bell for you. What about these common gender-based beliefs? Have you ever felt like there may be some truth to them?
- “Men only want much younger women.”
- “Men are mostly interested in sex.”
- “Men are not interested in smart, strong, successful women.”
- “Men do not want to commit.”
- “There are no available quality men where I live.”
- “Women who are independent and successful are intimidating to men.”
- “If a man doesn’t try to sleep with you after three dates, he isn’t sexually attracted to you.”
When working with my clients I address anything that could potentially stand in the way of their success.
Most of the time they are standing in their own way.
Limiting beliefs are everywhere. Sometimes, like in the case of Charlotte, they are obvious, and sometimes they can creep up on us when we least expect them. This is one of the main things that hold women back when they first come to me and while they may seem harmless, limiting beliefs can keep you from being in a successful relationship.
The problem with such limiting beliefs is that our mind is incredibly powerful and it will believe whatever we are constantly telling it. If these beliefs are constantly in our periphery, then they will become a constant in our mind and, eventually, a part of our reality.
How to get over your limiting beliefs about men and love
Here is my proven 4-step method to leave your limiting beliefs in the past.
1. Identify the negative/limiting belief.
Make a list of reasons that are contributing to you still being single and you’ll quickly find some limiting beliefs. Start with the examples from above. Have you ever thought any of those generalizations might have at least some truth to them? This might be affecting you more than you realize.
All truths are true to those who believe them.
“I’m not outgoing enough to be approached by or approach a man.’’
When you say this enough to yourself it becomes a reality.
2. Instill a new belief.
Beliefs are just thoughts that you keep thinking and repeating, so try making new ones that support your success as you search for a partner. This consists of ‘crowding out’ your old beliefs with new ones.
Help yourself by supporting these new beliefs with things you know to be true.
“My friends know me as a friendly, warm, wonderful person. I will be and shine the most genuine version of myself always and everywhere and show up authentic and confident and easily make contact with new men. I am a confident and outgoing woman.”
This needs to become your new mantra. Repeat it as many times as you need to until it becomes your new belief. When you wake up in the morning and when you go to sleep at night. And especially when those doubts come creeping back in.
3. Commit to action.
By taking action from this new belief, your life will start to change.
First, you create your beliefs, and then your beliefs will create you.
‘‘How would a confident and outgoing woman handle this situation?’’
Whatever your answer is to that question… do that! Once you’ve identified your limiting belief(s) and have instilled a new belief, you are ready to take action to become the version of yourself that won’t allow any past limiting beliefs to hold you back. You have the power to create your own reality.
4. Rewrite your story.
The story we tell ourselves is what we believe and also what we manifest. When your story is not supporting you, be sure to rewrite it.
“I am a confident and outgoing woman. I make an effort to always be authentic and the best version of myself possible. As a result, my confidence makes contact with men easy and natural for me.”
Make sure your story is positive, empowering, and supportive of you as you move forward in life and love.
Charlotte got her dating confidence back after her husband left
Remember my client Charlotte? The story of her romantic life went like this when we first met:
‘‘After my husband left me for a younger woman, I totally lost my self-confidence and I fear not being interesting and attractive enough.’’
After several coaching sessions and working through each step, one at a time, to be able to understand how this was holding her back, she was able to see how she truly held the power. She had the ability, and now the tools, to create a new reality for herself, one that instead of holding her back, helped hold her up and supported her in her journey to find love.
‘‘My past life experiences have made me who I am today; a beautiful, strong, resilient woman of value with a huge heart full of love and wisdom so I can confidently meet new men and enjoy the dating process and trust that I am fully capable of finding and choosing the right partner to create and build the relationship I desire.’’
You are the writer of your story–make sure you are supporting yourself and creating a narrative that you will be able to prosper in.
How we present ourselves to the world directly affects what we receive in life.
Is your story supporting you in your success or sabotaging it?
Stop sabotaging yourself in dating
Getting over your limiting beliefs is a simple practice but it’s not easy. Many things will come up in the process. Working with a dating coach will help you overcome those dating roadblocks and get strategic about partner search.
Participants of my highly successful group coaching and mentoring program Find Your Success Match are actively dating within two months of starting the process. Get in touch with me for a free consultation to see how group or individual coaching can help you find love.
