Who should pay on a date? What you’ll learn:
There is no right answer to the question who pays the bill on a first date.
In different cultures there is a different view about what a man and woman should do.
Remember that it’s not about splitting the bill but about sharing the cost of dinner or lunch.
Out of respect for the person inviting you, be moderate in your restaurant and menu choices.
When in doubt, communicate what you expect and plan to do.
Some people may not mind who pays the bill on a first date but for most, the question can be a hot topic. It is a question of both culture and courtesy and so it should be considered with care.
In some cultures, it is simply unacceptable for a woman to pay the bill, yet in others, it is a question of fairness for each person to pay for themselves. I have the fortune (or misfortune) to be originally Dutch, so I can always claim that “Since I’m Dutch, I would like to ‘go Dutch,’ and share the bill,” which almost always works and I find that it is very fair but then again, I am Dutch.
First date bill horror stories
While for some it may not be that big of a deal, I’ve had women tell me that if the man didn’t pay on the first date, then they would surely not go on a second. I’ve even heard stories of women getting up once the bill is requested and waiting in the restroom in hopes of it being settled without having to face a conversation. “If a man isn’t willing to pay on the first date,” I’ve been told, “then the relationship is starting on the wrong foot.”
One woman (not a client), eager to meet a man she had been talking to and felt a real connection with, was invited by him to dinner. When the bill came, he asked to split the bill and took out a coupon for his portion of the meal. She was so offended that she went to the bathroom and called her girlfriend to vent about it. Her friend, horrified, told her to, “Just walk out,” and she did. I believe this was a ridiculous thing to do. It is important to always take the high road and be a lady! (Even if your date isn’t a gentleman and vice versa).
While many women feel strongly that a man must pay, many men say if a woman doesn’t at least reach for her wallet or offer to split the bill, it can be a huge turn-off for them. Even if they plan on paying, it’s the gesture that counts.
No one enjoys being taken for granted.
A lovely gentleman client of mine wanted to meet a lady for dinner. He was a busy professional living in Geneva, and she was living in Basel. He wanted to take her out but didn’t know the area and asked if she could recommend a restaurant. She happily suggested a restaurant nearby. He didn’t know it, so he booked a table unaware that it was a three Michelin star restaurant. It’s a beautiful and romantic place on the river but is very high-end and probably the most expensive restaurant in Basel.
They met for dinner and had a tasting menu with wine pairings and dessert. At 9 pm she said she had an important presentation she had to prepare for work the following day and left. When the bill came it was over 500 CHF, he paid and then had to drive three hours back to Geneva. He left feeling frustrated and the experience left him with a bad taste.
If someone invites you to dinner and asks for a suggestion, it is common courtesy to pick a reasonable place and to make reasonable food and wine choices and be generally appreciative of the invitation.
My advice for women is that while you certainly never owe anyone anything, if they take you out for dinner, do consider common courtesy. If the man treats you to dinner, at least say thank you and maybe suggest going for a walk and buying ice cream or a drink after the date or offer to take them out for lunch next time.
It is important to note the cultural significance of who should pay on a date
Many women say they want a relationship of equals. Those same women then tell me that if a man proposes to split the bill on a date it is a dealbreaker for them. I always ask them to change their perspective.
It is not about “splitting” a bill, it is about “sharing” a bill.
If a man proposes to share the bill on a first date, I would suggest taking the high road and say, “Of course.” Or better yet, offer to share the bill, and should he say that he will take care of it, graciously accept.
Alternatively, some women get anxious, and so as soon as the bill comes, they grab it and insist on paying everything, which is also not the right thing to do. You should at least allow for an opportunity for him to step up and settle the bill and communicate about the bill. Being able to do so is the sign of the start of healthy communication.
Communicating up front is key here, if you really don’t want someone to pay at all, let them know you would love to go to lunch with them and you have a place in mind, but you insist that you would love to invite them this time.
There is no right answer to who should pay on a date
With such a controversial topic, is there even a right answer? There isn’t necessarily a right one for this age-old question but communication is the best way to avoid the problem before it comes up.
A man expecting to pay should be clear in the invitation that he will be treating and a woman expecting to contribute can say so in advance in a nice way as well. For example, “I would love to go out with you, but only if you let me share the bill.”
With that being said, be careful to not let the issue of the bill and who pays on a first date get too out of hand in your head. If having an equal partnership in all other aspects of your relationship is important to you, try to identify what it is that is different in this situation. Would it truly be a dealbreaker for you to ‘go Dutch’?
A relationship is about teamwork and sharing, so why not start that on the first date? Read here about some other clients of mine who were surprised to find that what they had formerly identified as dealbreakers weren’t really dealbreakers at all.
General rules to consider for who pays the bill on the first date
General rule for men: Expect to pay for the bill unless your date expresses, she prefers a different arrangement.
General rule for women: When invited for a date, you can expect the man to pay, but be reasonable in your menu choices and always have your credit card with you (just in case you happen to go on a date with a man who hasn’t read this.)
If you’re going out for a meal on your first date, try to keep it simple to take pressure off the topic of the bill. It’s not necessary to choose a Michelin star restaurant on your first date, save that for later in your relationship.
Generally, pick somewhere that you would be comfortable to pay the whole bill if it were necessary without having hard feelings about it and truthfully no matter what your opinion is about the bill the best way to avoid complications is like most other things as you start dating: communication.
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