Trea Tijmens

Trea Tijmens is a successful matchmaker and award-winning dating expert and coach. Since 2005, Trea successfully helps her select single, divorced and widowed clientèle find love. In this blog she shares dating and relationships tips and advice. Enjoy!

How to Choose the Right Partner as a Single Professional Woman

Since I founded SuccessMatch in 2005, my date coaching program Find Your Success Match has helped many professional singles find love.

Eighty-five percent of my private coaching clients end up in a happy relationship! 
Those are pretty exceptional odds, so I thought it might be useful if I shared some of the concepts that I teach my elite singles on how to choose the right partner.

If you're wondering when you will ever find the "right man" then read on, this post may just change the way you're going about it.

Defining Your Relationship Goal

Choosing the right partner is very personal.
There's no cookie-cutter solution, as we're all unique and different individuals. So what's right for you, may not be right for someone else,

If you don't know what you need in a partner and what you're looking for, then you can actually end up anywhere and with anyone, or maybe worse, you can end up nowhere and with no one!

The first step in choosing the right partner for you is getting crystal clear on what you want and need from a partner and a relationship, and defining your relationship goal.

For 99.9% of the professional singles that I work with, their goal is to find the right partner to build a happy, mutually fulfilling, long term, committed, exclusive relationship. If your goal is getting married and having a family, then you have to include that in the definition of your goal.

It's crucial that you clearly define your goal so that you know what it is you want in terms of a relationship.
Part of that comes from really knowing yourself and also taking the time to decide what you want and need from a partner. We'll talk about that next.

Know What You Need From A Partner - 7 Key Qualities

The second step to get crystal clear about, is knowing what you need from a partner in order to be happy and fulfilled in a long term, committed, exclusive relationship. What are the key qualities that your partner must have?

Without those qualities, you will simply not be happy or fulfilled in the long run.
Think about that question and write down your criteria.
Narrow it down to a maximum of seven key qualities that you will be looking for in the right partner for you.

As I mentioned, it is very personal. So what is right for your friend, may not be the right partner for you. Get clear on what it is that you want and need.

Some examples of key qualities that people may be looking for might be (in no particular order):

  • reliability
  • smart
  • sense of humor
  • healthy lifestyle
  • someone who's family-oriented
  • someone who has a positive outlook
  • curious and open to learn
  • someone who has a similar socio-economic background
  • affectionate.

Make a list of the seven key qualities, review the list and then finalize it.

When you've finalized your seven key qualities, actually write them down on a piece of paper and put that piece of paper somewhere where you can see it often. For example, in your purse, on your bathroom mirror or your fridge door.

If you know what you're looking for, then you will be able to recognize it when you see it and experience it.
In fact, the seven key qualities are like a compass that keeps you on track during your journey to find the right partner for you.

What Are Your Deal Breakers?

There may be things that you will need to compromise on to find and choose that right partner. Perhaps he is shorter than your ideal man. Maybe he's a bit older or younger than your ideal man. Perhaps he lives further away than your ideal man.

There are many things that you can compromise on.
However, there are three things that you can NOT compromise on, and they are:

  1. Your goal
  2. The key qualities that you need to be happy and fulfilled
  3. Your deal breakers.

Even if a man has the same goal as you and he has all the qualities that you need to be happy and fulfilled, if there's also a deal-breaker, then it's a no-go.

Think about what your deal breakers are. Some examples can be, for example:

  • Substance abuse
  • Someone who's not available
  • Someone disrespectful
  • Someone unreliable.

Now write down:

  • Your goal
  • The key qualities that you need to be happy and fulfilled
  • Your deal breakers.

Know them and own them; they will help you find the right partner for you.

The best way to ensure that you choose the right partner?…. don't start a relationship with men who are just not right for you!

Now, of course, you can NOT see from a distance whether a man has the same goal, and whether he has all the qualities that you need to be happy and fulfilled.
You do have to engage with someone to find all that out.

I encourage you to give all men who could potentially have those qualities, and that goal, a chance. Give them a chance to get to know you, and you need to take the opportunity to get to know them.

When you get to know a man better (through the process of dating), you're really looking to discover if he has the same goal and that he has the key qualities that you need to be happy and fulfilled.

No matter how charming or attractive a man might be, or how fantastic the chemistry is that you feel, if he doesn't have the same goal, nor all the qualities that you need to be happy and fulfilled in the long run, or he has a deal-breaker, it's time to move on.

Waiting For Physical Intimacy - The Key to Success

The clients in my date coaching and mentoring program also learn that they can NOT become physically intimate with a man until they know that he has the same goal, that he has all the qualities that they need to be happy and fulfilled, and that he has none of the deal-breakers.

This is a very important key to success in finding the right partner.

It takes commitment to stick to that rule of not having sex with a man until you know those three key things;

  • Does he have the same goal?
  • Does he have the key qualities that you need to be happy and fulfilled?
  • Does he have any of your deal breakers?

Why shouldn't you become physically intimate with or have sex with a man before you know those three important things?

When women have sex, all sorts of chemical reactions in the brain happen, which makes it difficult to evaluate the suitability of a man as a potential life partner.

What happens is that when women have sex, a key hormone called oxytocin is released.
It's also known as the bonding hormone, and lowers our defenses and makes us trust people more. It strengthens our bond to someone, and it increases our levels of empathy.

Women, as opposed to men, produce a lot of that hormone when they have sex and so, we as women are much more likely to let our guard down and fall in love with a man after we have sex with him. When this oxytocin or bonding hormone is released, we feel attached and bonded to this man, whether he is suitable or not.

Take the Time To Get To Know Someone

Since a life partner impacts your life in so many ways, it's crucial to choose wisely. Having worked as a professional matchmaker and love coach for the past 15 years, I have come across too many women who became physically intimate and had sex with a man before they really knew that he was a suitable match.

Once the rose colored glasses came off, they were already in the relationship. Often they desperately tried to make the relationship work, sometimes for years, whereas they should never have been in that relationship in the first place.

So it's really important to not take that step to physical intimacy, until you know that he has the same goal as you, and the key qualities that you need to be happy and fulfilled in a long term committed relationship.

Create and Keep Up Momentum

 When you meet a man that you really like, and you only see each other, for example, once a month, and you don't communicate in between dates. It will take a year and a half to get to know this man well enough to know whether he actually has the qualities that you need to be happy and fulfilled.

That will never work! 
You have to create and keep up momentum.
That means that you need to see each other as much as you can, and in between dates, you spend the time and energy needed to communicate and learn more about each other.

When you both invest the time and the effort and the energy needed to keep momentum in getting to know each other better the process does not have to take many months.

Dating is key in the process

dating expert coach trea tijmens 1Even if you know what you want, you can not choose the right partner if you are not dating! And that is where I can help you too with the next steps to find your success match.

My proven high-end matchmaking service and elite date coaching & mentoring program at SuccessMatch helps successful professional singles, just like you, find the right partner.
If this post has resonated with you, and you are ready to take the first step on an exciting journey to success, then schedule a complimentary first video consult with me.

I am excited about learning more about you, your goal, and how I may support you!


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Sunday, 28 November 2021

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