Blog, Tips and Dating Support for Singles in Switzerland
How Not To Lose Yourself In a Relationship?
Worried That Gaining a Relationship Means Losing a Part of Yourself?
What you’ll learn:
- How not to lose yourself in a relationship? Find the right balance between independence and become a master communicator.
- My client Samantha was afraid of losing herself in a relationship.
- For many women, this fear comes from past experiences when they forgot about themselves when they fell in love.
- To build a happy, lasting relationship, you need to learn to defend your boundaries and compromise when needed.
Many successful single women live incredibly amazing lives. Even though many long for the companionship and support that comes with a long-term exclusive relationship and a life partner.
So many women are hesitant to start actively looking for a partner and relationship. “How not to lose yourself in a relationship?”, they ask me. They don’t want to sacrifice what they’ve worked so hard to build.
Samantha Was Afraid Of Losing Independence
After finding a successful relationship, a client of mine recommended her friend Samantha to me. After our initial consultation, I learned that Samantha, like so many of my clients, led an incredibly full and busy life.
Her weeks were filled with her demanding work schedule, yoga classes, charity dinners, trips around Europe, and countless other activities. She had expressed her deep desire to find a partner but also highlighted to me that she wasn’t prepared to let go of any aspects of her life.
While she was still incredibly frustrated by that constant missing piece in her life, Samantha felt a looming fear that gaining the partner she wanted would mean losing a part of herself and her independence. This is an understandable and common fear for many successful women.
Don’t Let Your Past Shape Your Future
For many this fear can stem from past relationships. As I work closely with my clients to figure out what went wrong in past relationships we usually learn with hindsight that the relationship wasn’t built on their terms and was not fulfilling.
This can be anything from not having their emotional or intellectual needs met or not having enough freedom within the relationship leading to an imbalance and feeling controlled or suffocated.
What I have helped clients like Samantha understand is that finding love doesn’t have to mean that you will lose your independence.
In fact, with Success Match’s scientifically-backed signature program, I walk my clients through a holistic approach that focuses on 3 pillars:
- Being the right partner
- Finding the right partner
- Choosing the right partner
It Starts With Being The Right Partner
In “Being the right partner” I give you the tools to be in the driver’s seat as you create the kind of relationship that you want with your partner.
We get clear about where you want to be and what you want to achieve. We clearly define what you need from a partner in order to be happy and fulfilled in the long run, the specific qualities you’re looking for and what you would count as a dealbreaker.
Taking these steps with a focus on how not to lose yourself in a relationship helps set you up for success in a relationship without having to sacrifice what is important to you.
We Often Stand In Our Way Of Success
When we identify limiting beliefs and self-sabotaging behavior, we can change them. An important thread throughout my programs is making your own happiness and wellbeing your number one priority, so that you feel great and have attractive energy.
It is a lot easier to take steps as you build a relationship to ensure that it is meeting all your needs than to change a relationship already built on a foundation that doesn’t meet them.
How Not To Lose Yourself In a Relationship
Here are the three steps to take as you begin a relationship to make sure you don’t lose YOU:
Create an open line of communication and boundaries where needed from the beginning
When you start dating someone, it can be easy to let the lines blur. Communicating your expectations early on will help avoid bigger issues in the future. Here are some examples:
- How often you want to get together
- Who organizes dates
- What preferences you have about food, timetables, and activities
For example, agreeing to one weekend at your place and then one weekend at his and maintaining days during the week where you have independent activities can help keep things clear as you build your relationship together.
Communication is key
The way you communicate, especially early on, is important. Some people prefer texting to phone calls or vice versa.
Even if you’ve made clear boundaries of several days of independence it can be helpful to build in a midweek video call to check-in. Even if it isn’t a long call, getting face-to-face time will help you avoid any frustrating miscommunications that can easily happen over text messages and create momentum in your relationship while still allowing you to pursue your work, interests, friends and activities etc.
Identifying and communicating what works for you and what doesn’t is incredibly important. Like a client of mine who started dating a man who had been temporarily out of work due to an injury.
Since he didn’t have much else to do, he began to make it a habit of coming over to my client’s house and hanging out on a daily basis. After a while, this began to feel invasive and overwhelming to her, especially so early on in the relationship.
So we helped her communicate to him that while she loved seeing him and spending Friday nights and Saturday afternoons together, him hanging around and sitting on her couch all week wasn’t working for her.
A common mistake I see is when things are going great but one thing isn’t working, many times we won’t communicate this to our partner because we are so happy with all other aspects of the relationship and we don’t want to ‘rock the boat’.
This can lead to big problems, since by the time this becomes a bigger issue and you bring it up to them they may feel blindsided and hurt that you didn’t bring it up earlier. Don’t ever think, “I’ll wait until we move in together to tell him [something incredibly important to you].”
Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you
If we’re not treating ourselves with love and respect, we generally don’t expect others to do the same. It’s important to look inward to recognize that you deserve love. Once you can do this with confidence it will be so much easier for others to find that within you.
You deserve love, kindness, respect, patience, forgiveness and affection, and you should be treating yourself accordingly. Create the pattern that you wish others to follow.
Our mind is incredibly powerful and we can train it to believe what we tell it. To overcome our own limiting beliefs we can instill new beliefs to take their place.
Recognize and change your limiting beliefs
Once you are aware of the thoughts that are limiting you, you will become completely free to consider new beliefs. Beliefs are just thoughts that you keep thinking and repeating, so try new ones like, “I am attractive, I am interesting, I am loveable, I am enough.” Use this strategy to ‘crowd out’ your old belief with a new dominant one that will support you in your partner search.
- “What would someone with this belief (someone loveable/attractive/confident etc.) do in this situation?”
- “How would they carry themselves?”
- “How would they show up?”
- “How would they date?”
- “How would they go after what they want?”
First, you create your beliefs and then your beliefs will create you.
I work closely with my clients and their individual needs to help overcome obstacles. Your experience is tailor-made to fit the challenges that you are facing, whether they are self-inflicted or remnants from past relationships.
Know how to compromise
On your journey to find love, you will have to compromise. He may be shorter than your ideal man, he may be a bit older (or younger) than your ideal man, he may live a bit further away than what is convenient.
What you cannot compromise on, however, is your dating/relationship goal, the key qualities your partner must have in order for you to be fulfilled and happy in the long run and your deal-breakers.
Talk about finances
For example, finances can be challenging for new couples. It wouldn’t be sustainable to expect your partner to pay for everything or vice versa, so it is important to reach a middle ground.
As a general rule, it is a good idea, especially early on in a relationship, to split most expenses and put money aside for things to do together.
Discuss routines and habits
Routines can also be commonplace where both of you need to learn to adjust to the other’s habits. If one of you enjoys sleeping in on weekends after a long week of work and the other enjoys waking up at 6 am to go hiking, you need to find a way to accommodate both preferences while still making time for each other.
Focus on how it can be fun to try new routines and be mindful of how you can effectively communicate your needs while respecting their needs as well.
Remember that compromising isn’t the same as losing independence, but is actually a way of growing into your relationship.
Compromising requires teamwork, accountability and trust. In a healthy relationship, the two partners have each other's best interests at heart. The common goal is the couple and the relationship. It’s about ‘us’ instead of ‘you’ or ‘me’.
Samantha Built A Relationship On Her Own Terms
Even though my client Samantha was concerned about losing her independence, consciously creating a relationship based on her needs helped her create a foundation that allowed her to live a more fulfilling life since she now finally had someone to share it with!
She was worried about missing yoga. Instead of doing four classes per week she now only does one, but she has taken up tennis and now has a forever doubles partner.
She still has time for her interests reserved in her schedule and her current partner wouldn’t want it any other way.
As long as you do not put out vibes that you are so independent that you don't need anyone in your life, your independence will attract someone who appreciates that about you and respects and supports you as an independent person.
Creating a relationship with someone that respects you as an individual will create a new even better version of your life.
You can have it all--the things you love about your life and a meaningful and fulfilling relationship. You have to be the first person to allow space for a relationship in your life and be willing to do the work to build a relationship the right way from the beginning.
I can help you clarify your dream relationship vision and give you the strategy to make it a reality. Schedule a free consultation today to learn how my science-based dating coaching programs can help you.