Trea Tijmens

Trea Tijmens is a successful matchmaker and award-winning dating expert and coach. Since 2005, Trea successfully helps her select single, divorced and widowed clientèle find love. In this blog she shares dating and relationships tips and advice. Enjoy!

Are Single Modern Day Career Women Too Exhausted to Find Love?

Single Modern-Day Career Women

The vast majority of my clients live and work in Switzerland and have an amazing quality of life. Most have extremely successful careers, gorgeous apartments in exclusive areas, close relationships with their friends and family and overall, a great lifestyle.

They’re used to doing everything at a high level and quite commonly end up spreading themselves too thin: spending far too many hours working, sending a birthday card to a niece who just turned three, organizing a friend’s surprise party, volunteering at a charity organisation, all while slowly losing any extra time that you could have spent on something for yourself.

Sound familiar?

Are you suffering from “superwoman syndrome?”

Most of my clients are when I first meet them. They’re often exhausted, especially the single moms with full time careers. These women are natural caregivers and often the need to do it all and be it all for everybody else in their lives is utterly exhausting. Most importantly their own needs are almost always at the bottom of their priority list.

As a dating expert and love coach, one of the first goals for my single clients is to make sure that they put their own happiness and wellbeing as their number one priority.

If you are exhausted and not feeling fulfilled yourself, you can only give what is left of you and not the best of you. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

Whenever I ask potential clients why they’re reaching out now when they’ve been single for years, I commonly hear:

“Well, up until now I have been too busy with work and other commitments, I took on to take time out for dating or searching for a partner.”

“Well, the kids are going to college this year, and it’s finally time for me.”

I can definitely relate to this, but I also find it to be a pity that while we are doing everything for everyone else we don’t stop to look at our own happiness or well being.

Single Woman

It is also quite common for highly successful women to invest enormously in their careers. They often use work as an excuse to not have to face going home to an empty apartment, which can quickly become a vicious cycle.

You end up working more to avoid going home to the reality of your non-existent personal life yet the more you work the less time and possibility there is to change the status of your personal life.

Investing your precious time into partner search

Learning to set healthy boundaries is incredibly important so that you don’t lose sight of your true priorities.

Many clients are very demanding of themselves at work, with friends and even by themselves and so the frustration that comes from not having developed your personal life can be overwhelming.

If you are already spread too thin to have time and energy left, it can be impossible to successfully find and attract the right partner into your life.

Creating and living a sustainable lifestyle where you feel good about yourself and your life will be more fulfilling and will make it much easier to attract the right kind of person.

Time is an extremely precious resource, and we can’t create more than we have. We must be conscious of what we spend it on and who we spend it with.

We have our professional lives, the kids, or parents, three dogs and two horses, being on the board of directors, volunteer work and even still we take on all additional things.

Before you add more to your plate, I’d like to invite you to pause, breathe, reflect, and ask yourself, “Is this helping me get closer to my goal of finding the right partner?” If the answer is NO, then say NO.

Start saying ‘YES’ only to what is really important to you and to what will make your life easier, more enjoyable and help you get closer to your goal of finding the right partner.

Single Woman 2

Choose what’s important to you right now

To show you the power of this, I want to share a quick story with you. Several years ago, I started working with a successful single career woman in her late thirties with an amazing yet demanding position at a large pharma company in Basel.

She told me she was ready to finally settle down and find a partner with the goal of starting a family together. Shortly after we started working together, she was contacted to do a dream research project by a prestigious university in the US, the kind of project she had always dreamed of, she was so excited.

In her coaching session I asked, “Will doing this bring you closer to your goal of finding love and settling down?”

She realized that it probably would NOT but since she had already committed, she decided that she couldn’t back out. She chose to do the three-month program on top of her normal work anyway and within two weeks was hospitalized for over exhaustion and severe burnout.

She forced herself to take an opportunity because it was something she would have loved at another point in time. But she neglected what was actually important to her during that season of her life and it ultimately took a major toll on her well being.

Now this story may sound a bit extreme, but it happens often for women, in one form or another. Your priorities are where you spend your time and energy.

When you put your personal well being on the back burner, “I’ll do this once...the kids get older/I get a promotion/I finish this project” then you quickly become your own last priority, often at the cost of your health and relationships.

Single Woman 3

Mia kept off committing to her partner search

I once worked with a woman, Mia, who kept putting off committing to my program but one day she found herself in her beautiful apartment looking around at all of her beautiful things and came to a realization. She told me,

“I’ve realized that I have no problem investing lots of money in all of these other things but if it’s to invest in my own personal wellbeing and happiness, I can’t help but hesitate, why?”

Read here about how Mia refocused her priorities and finally found the love she had always dreamed of.

Many women tell themselves, “I HAVE to do xyz”.I HAVE to go to church, I HAVE to get my car washed, I HAVE to get the apartment cleaned, etc”.

This mindset can be overwhelming and exhausting, especially if you’re already spread thin. Reframe this perspective from “have to” to “choose to”.

When you choose to go to church on Sunday, or have your car cleaned, you can also choose not to do it or do it in a different way.

What activities or tasks are draining your energy? Do you have to do them? Can you stop doing them? Can someone else do it for you?

Choose to pay someone to do it or make it a different experience. Take opportunities to combine these things with something fun. For example, every time I go grocery shopping (an activity I don’t love) I treat myself to a coffee after. This has shifted the experience from one I dreaded to a nice personal moment I look forward to during the week.

Avoid situations that cause you to feel too exhausted to attract someone. Create a happy, sustainable life with good positive energy and that is what you will attract. If you’re ready to do this with the best support possible on your side, contact me for a complimentary consultation now. I look forward to hearing from you.

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Tuesday, 25 January 2022

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