Why do I always meet married men? Why can’t I find a woman who’s interested in more than my salary? Some successful singles find it hard to attract the right person for an honest, long-term relationship. Why is that? And how to change it? In this article I want to share my thoughts, based on almost 20 years of experience as a coach for dating.
Trapped by Unconscious Dating Patterns
Corina’s dream was to have a big family. When she reached 35 she realized the time to have biological children was getting limited. Being a goal-oriented, corporate professional, she decided to take action and work with me as her coach for dating.
During the intake consultation I found out that she had a strong pattern of getting into passionate but toxic and short-lived relationships.
“I always fall for the bad boys,” she admitted. “A tall, dark, and mysterious type is the one I can’t resist.”
But it wasn’t just the looks that attracted her to her former partners. Most of these men shared another characteristic: they were emotionally immature and avoidant. The love story erupted quickly, burnt strong, only to leave Corina heartbroken and single yet again.
Do You Really Know What (And Whom) You Want?
Many singles say that they have “a type.” that they feel attracted to. Long-legged supermodel. Long-haired, mysterious musician, alpha-male lawyer in designer suits… you name it.
What these types represent often goes way beyond appearances. We’re drawn to certain characteristics, and for some of us, those characteristics are a recipe for disaster.
If you unconsciously choose women or men who are unavailable, abusive, clingy, or dishonest (to name but a few), you definitely have some work to do on your mindset.
Try to understand your hidden patterns, dig deeper to find out what’s behind them, and replace them with new ways of thinking and acting – all this effort will get you closer to your goal of meeting the right person.
What Message Are You Sending Out?
What if it’s not your taste in men or women that’s standing in the way of happiness? What if your biggest obstacle is…yourself? What if you’re the one sending the wrong messages and attracting the wrong crowd?
Say, you’re a man in your 50s who wants to meet a woman at least ten years younger with the goal of starting a family. You have a good life and have built enough wealth to create a solid future with that special lady.
Perhaps you’re proud of your financial status, and like to flaunt it just a bit. Maybe you bought yourself that special “childhood dream” present – the red, superfast car that makes you feel like a superhero. Say, you publish pictures in front of that extravagant car on your dating profile. Next thing you know, your inbox is flooded with matches of much younger women.
Those candidates are all beautiful, and sexy, but it quickly becomes evident that most of them are more interested in what you have to offer and represent, then in having children in the next five years. That’s a clear case of inadequate messaging.
We live in a world where people make snapshot decisions based on appearances. Marketing experts say we only have a few seconds to catch someone’s attention. Hear it from a coach for dating who’s seen it all: if your self-presentation is not aligned with your dating goals, you won’t attract the right person.
Your First Step: Being The Right Partner
In my dating coaching programs we have one, major rule: to find the right partner you have to be the right partner. For my client Corina, that meant dealing with the ghosts of her dating past. She carried so much baggage from previous relationships with those “dark and handsome” men, that she wasn’t open to meet a new type of candidate with the same, family-oriented goal as she had.
For other singles, being the right partner means regaining balance between personal and professional life. People don’t bond on dates over discussions about stock markets! They talk about passions, hobbies, literature, and travels.
To have those conversations you need to, well, have a life outside of your job. This is a trap so many expat singles fall into – they are often married to their work and have no time or energy left for partner search.
Time to be honest and ask yourself – would you go on a date with yourself? And what do you need to focus on to make sure you are the right partner for those amazing, potential candidates?
Finally Start Attracting the Right (Single) People
The biggest obstacle I see for many successful singles is their reluctance to let go of the idealised vision of dating and relationships. Yes, it’s nice to be romantic but to attract the right person you also need to keep a sound mind and be strategic. After all, it’s the most important decision in your life!
Working with a coach for dating can help you release the old patterns that are not serving you anymore. You’ll get the accountability and support every step of the way – from mindset, through practical aspects of dating on apps and in real life.
In my 20 years of work as dating coach for professional singles I’ve developed an immense toolbox of strategies and resources to help you avoid obstacles, and move smoothly towards your dream destination – a happy life with the man or woman who has all the qualities you want and need in a partner and more.
Getting started is easy. Just book a free intro call and let’s talk about which program can help you get the best results. Schedule the call today.
Get Dating Support Today
Ready to take control of your dating journey? Find out how our 20 years of experience as dating experts can help you make your dating enjoyable and effective. Find out more about private and group dating coaching programs with award-winning experts, Trea Tijmens.
