Some people find the love of their life without any effort. Others keep dating for years without success. That second group of singles often keeps repeating the same dating mistake. Here’s what not to do if you’re serious about finding a partner for a committed relationship – and what to do instead.
How Marie Made the Big Dating Mistake
Marie was 32 when she joined my group coaching and mentoring program for singles. She was a French expat, living in Lausanne. She enjoyed her corporate job and was a big fan of fitness and living a healthy lifestyle.
“I want to find the right man to start a family with,” she told me during our first call. And so, she started diligently working in the program, doing all the homework assignments and strategically dating on a dating app within weeks.
I wasn’t surprised to learn that she was getting many matches and going on lots of dates. After about three months, Marie suddenly “disappeared”. She didn’t join the live dating coaching calls and stopped participating in group discussions.
When I checked in with her, she told me she had started a relationship with Marco, a Swiss Italian guy she met online three weeks before. We had a quick call and she confided in me that the dating went very fast, and the couple ended up in bed on their second date.
“I feel he’s the one,” she shared, excitedly. “We have such a strong connection from day one. I have never felt this before.”
When I inquired about common goals, it became evident that Marie didn’t know much about Marco. The couple had not had any deeper conversations about their life vision and the important topic of potentially starting a family in the near future (something that was of utmost importance to Marie).
A few more weeks passed, and Marie returned to our group calls. It was immediately clear that something wasn’t right. “He left me,” she said in a shaky voice.
Marie was so devastated after the sudden break-up that it took her quite some time to heal emotionally and reluctantly get back to dating. Her story is a classic example of a big dating mistake when wishing to find your life partner: getting physically intimate with someone too soon.
Making All the Wrong Choices in Dating
Most of my single clients who contact me for matchmaking or dating coaching have made this dating mistake at least once: they had sex prematurely (before they knew the person well enough to determine whether they would be a good fit). All because they felt an immediate connection and “spark.” Unfortunately, that connection proved to be purely physical, chemical reactions in our brains, and the whole thing ended up in heartbreak.
Getting physically intimate relatively fast is a dating trap. When women are intimate a hormone called oxytocin is released. This raises women’s empathy and trust levels and makes her bond with whomever she is intimate with. If your goal is to find the right life partner, making sure there is an intellectual and emotional connection and that the relationship has strong foundations is an absolute must.
We’ve all been fed a Hollywood vision of a happily ever after. Your eyes meet with that nice man or woman across the room, you instantly fall in love, and you “just know” this is going to be your person for the rest of your life.
I’ve been a matchmaker and dating coach for over 18 years and yes, I’ve seen happy love stories like these. But the reality is that more frequently than not, it’s not that simple. And the couples that start off quickly, with lots of fireworks and chemistry, often fizzle out equally fast.
Getting Clear: Who Are You Really Looking For?
To avoid making the the same dating mistake, you should not start relationships with people who are not right for you. I know it’s easier said than done but if you want to get a real happy ending, you need to start making conscious choices.
It’s time to be honest and ask yourself: who are you really looking for?
- Are you interested in a one-night stand, a hot summer fling or a situationship?
- Or do you hope to find the right person to build a happy, fulfilling, lasting, healthy relationship with?
Choosing your life’s companion is the most important decision you’ll make. It will affect your everyday happiness, your health, your wealth, your family life, how you spend your free time and so much more.
To make a conscious choice of that magnitude, you need to allow enough time to know the people you’re dating well enough so that you know you have the same goal, that your date has all the qualities you are looking for in a partner and non of the deal breakers, that you feel safe, heard and respected. You cannot skip that process. You cannot rush through it. You need to maintain a clear head, which doesn’t mean you can’t be romantic!
Choosing Your Partner Wisely
If only the Hollywood films gave us a list of questions to ask ourselves and our dates to find out if they are right for us! Here are some of the things which I recommend to my dating coaching clients who are at an advanced stage of dating and want to choose the best partner from several potential candidates:
- Your relationship goal. Do you and the person you’re dating have a similar vision for the future? Or are you on totally different wavelengths? If you’re 100% sure you do (or don’t) want to have children for example, make it a priority to discuss that before officially starting a relationship.
- Your shared values. Most couples don’t really fight about small things. The dishes, the taxes, working late, spending your free time…these things are just a symptom of a deeper conflict around values that two people have. Think about your own values first and then find out whether your potential partner has similar ones.
- Your happiness. Most people, when asked about what matters in life, will say they just want to be happy. But what does this really mean for you? What is it you need to be happy and fulfilled in a relationship? Does the person you’re considering as your partner have the core key qualities you need to be satisfied in the long run?
- Your deal breakers. Your date may have lots of amazing qualities but if these come with a deal breaker (such as substance abuse, aggression, etc.), you shouldn’t start a relationship. Do you feel safe with the person? Do you feel seen? Do you feel heard? Do you feel respected and loved?
Before you move to physical intimacy and a committed relationship, my recommendation as Switzerland’s top matchmaker and dating coach is: get to know someone well enough before starting a relationship. A spark alone is not enough.
Good Things Come to Those Who Wait
Like my client Marie, many singles start relationships prematurely. It’s a huge risk to get involved before you get to know someone well. Marie continued with my dating coaching program but decided to be much more mindful and conscious. She wanted to learn from her dating mistake and get more strategic about finding the right person for a relationship.
About 4 months later and many dates Marie came to the group coaching call to share with us that she had two potential candidates for a partner. Both of these men were interested in starting a family in the near future (she knew because she had explicitly asked them about it), both had the qualities she was looking for in a future partner or husband.
After some deliberation Marie made the decision and went to start a relationship with Jacques, a fellow Frenchman in Switzerland. “I’m so glad I didn’t make the same dating mistake again. Despite the attraction, I decided to wait with intimacy because I swore to myself, I would keep a clear mind. I didn’t want hormones blurring my judgment. I’m so glad I listened to your advice, Trea!”
Get Dating Support and Avoid Dating Mistakes
Are you tired of making the same old dating mistakes again and again? Working with a dating coach can help you break the cycle that’s keeping you single.
I use science-based methods to quickly uncover your harmful dating patterns, and teach you more productive strategies, all whilst having fun dating! Contact me for a complimentary intro call today.
