Dating after divorce can be both exciting and daunting. You may wonder if you’re ever going to find love again. You may feel overwhelmed or lost in the world of modern dating apps. Processing the emotional side of divorce and updating and up-leveling your dating skills are the necessary steps to finding the right partner as a divorced single.
How Divorce Impacts Your Future Dating
We tend to think of divorce as the end result—the document stating that you and your partner are no longer married. But just like there are many steps leading up to a wedding, the legal process of ending a marriage also takes time.
In the best-case scenario, your divorce was relatively smooth. If the whole thing is quick and amicable, you’ll be in better shape to get started again, as opposed to when it was a long, horrible fight.
Whether you’ve been divorced for years or you’re still in the middle of it, making sure you close that chapter well is crucial for your happiness. Personally, I find the conscious uncoupling approach, taught by Katherine Woodward-Thomas very helpful. The five steps that she teaches include finding emotional freedom and reclaiming your personal power.
Two Types of People Dating After Divorce
In my almost 19 years as an international matchmaker and dating coach, I’ve met thousands of singles who had divorced. What I’ve noticed is mostly two different patterns of behavior. Some people can’t wait to jump back into the dating world, while others wait, sometimes for years, to start looking for love again. Which of the two groups do you belong to?
The Jump-Back-Ins
Did you just break up or are you still separated or going through the divorce proceedings and you’re already thinking of joining a dating app? Or perhaps you split recently and found a new “rebound” partner within a month or two of being single? Then you certainly belong to the first group of quick-acting singles.
These newly single people have two distinct motivations (although they are often not aware of what’s driving them until they come to me for dating coaching, and I help them uncover those hidden patterns):
The Serial Monogamists. Some of my clients wish to jump into new relationships relatively quickly. They tell me they are ready for love and for some of them, it’s true. For some couples, the road to the official divorce is very long and after going through marital crises and attempts to heal the relationship in couples’ counseling sessions, a long and slow legal process follows. These people feel a strong need to have a nurturing, loving connection again. For others, the very idea of being single seems incomprehensible. These people often married young and had been with their partner for decades. They just don’t remember any other life and feel they need to share life and secure a new partner as soon as they can.
The Adventure Seekers. In my many years as a dating coach, I’ve met numerous singles who after a long and sometimes unfulfilling marriage, wanted first of all to just have “fun” without commitments. After they first separated or divorced, some spent a significant amount of time casually dating or even focusing on the sexual experiences only. You may think it’s just men who do it but no! Sometimes single, professional women for whom their ex-husband had been their only intimate partner feel a desire to “catch up” on the sexual side of life and try things they had never tried in their married years. It is essential to be clear about what it is you want and need, be responsible, and do not hurt others or yourself in the process. Unfortunately for some singles, the strategy to have lots of casual sex is a form of self-harm and it doesn’t bring them the expected pleasure, happiness and well-being. If your goal is to find the right partner to build a happy, lasting relationship, this is NOT the right course of action.
The Waiting Ones
The other category of divorced singles which I encounter quite a lot, is those who believe that once they are ready, they will meet someone nice. And so, they wait, and they wait, and they wait… The record holders I came across were singles who hadn’t been on a single date for over a decade after their divorce!
The classic case scenario to delay the return to the dating scene is getting married…to your job. My matchmaking and dating coaching clients are all highly successful singles who have built exciting careers. It’s very easy to stay in your comfort zone and just focus on your professional life and take on as many work projects as possible to avoid having to look at your love life and stay in your comfort zone.
But then, one day, you wake up thinking, “oh my gosh, it’s been four years, and I haven’t had a single date!” This can be a dangerous moment because you can may panic and start making irrational decisions which may lead to heartbreak. If approached with mindfulness, this moment of awakening can push you into the right direction and you can prioritize your personal happiness again.
Navigating Dating After Divorce and Raising Young Children
Family is a priority for most of us but some divorced singles, especially women, may take that a step too far. I have worked as a dating coach with lots of single ladies who put their personal happiness and well-being on hold and prioritized their kids after their divorce. These women focussed exclusively on work and raising their children and often remained single for a very long time after their divorce.
“Once the kids are grown, I can start dating again,” they thought. This meant not dating for five or six years, just waiting until the kids were off to college or independent. In my view, that’s not a healthy thing to do because to love and being loved is a basic human need, and your happiness and well-being are essential. For the children, it’s important that their mom or dad is happy.
I understand that juggling work and being a parent is not easy. Making time for dating is, understandably, a challenge in this situation. But it’s not an all-or-nothing situation. You can create a sustainable dating strategy, so that you don’t feel overwhelmed but at the same time you create frequent opportunities to meet new singles in order to find love again.
Things To Do Before You Start Dating Again
Jumping back into dating too soon after a divorce is not a good thing, because if you haven’t really “done the work” and aren’t emotionally ready for a new relationship, then you can date a lot, but it will likely not be successful. Then again, waiting too long can make it even harder to gather the courage and to put yourself out there.
In my view, taking the time to take one step back before you take two steps forward is the best strategy. How long you’ll need to be ready to start dating after divorce will vary. Some people need a few months while others may take up to a year to heal old wounds and open their hearts for love again. It’s not time that heals wounds, we heal our wounds and getting professional support with this will help you be ready and open for love better and faster.
Here are the key steps to take before you start swiping on dating apps and creating new opportunities to meet singles in real life:
- Make sure you are emotionally ready. One of the first things I do with my single clients as their dating coach or matchmaker is helping them clear emotional baggage. Divorce, even the most peaceful version of it, comes with a bag of emotions and feelings to process and wounds to heal. Don’t skip over this step. If you do, it will backfire later.
- Spend some time on self-reflection. Most of my clients are in the 30 to 60 age range, which means that have lived long enough to collect some relationship and dating experience. I’m always surprised how unaware people are of their patterns of behavior and their reaction to challenges. The more you know yourself, the lower the risk of making the same mistakes again.
- Focus on what matters. Do you know the key qualities you need to be happy and fulfilled in a long-term relationship? They should be your guiding light as you seek for that special person. I’ve noticed my clients overestimate the meaning of appearance. Your partner can be shorter or taller than you’d like, or dress in a different way than your ex-husband or wife. I highly encourage you not to get too attached to a certain type in terms of looks. Focus on what really matters and keep an open mind.
- Build a positive mindset. My most successful single clients are the ones who start dating with an optimistic and hopeful approach. They truly believe they can find love again. They take action and learn from their errors. You have more life experience now. You know yourself better. Take the positive learnings from your past and make them tools on your new journey.
Get Proactive with The Help of a Dating Coach
There is life and love after divorce and you can live happily even after! I recommend “doing your homework” and processing your divorce experience before you “get out there” and meet new potential partners. Waiting and believing that once you are ready you will meet someone nice, is NOT a good strategy. Your partner will not fall from the sky. You need to start dating people!
The dating market always evolves, and you can be sure a lot has changed since the last time you were on it. Working with a dating coach can help you uplevel your dating skills and pinpoint the blind spots that could lead you in the wrong direction. My approach is science-based and proven to get you where you want to be – in a happy, lasting, exclusive relationship or marriage. Book your complimentary intro call and find out how I can help you embark on this exciting, enjoyable journey of dating after divorce.
